Friday, June 21, 2013

Saving Grace

The past few days I've been doing a Saving Grace marathon.  If you've never watched it, get on Netflix and put in your queue right now.  The show is based around a cop, Grace Hanadarko played by Holly Hunter.  She's a drinker, promiscuous make her own rules kind of girl.  One day she meets Earl, played by Leon Rippy, who turns out to be her last chance Angel.

The series is the story of Grace who has lost her belief in God slowly finding her way back.

I normally don't talk about religion, everyone has their beliefs and I think that's the way it should be. Believe in what/who you want and respect how others choose to believe.  I don't go to church, but that doesn't mean I don't believe or that I don't pray, because I do, every day, sometimes more than once. And I've read the Bible cover to cover. I've also read the Book of Mormon and several other spiritual texts.

  I was talking to a friend and they asked me had I ever cried while I was praying and did I think it was a good thing or a bad thing.  Yes, I've cried while praying. I guess it just depends on why you are praying to begin with. Sometimes they are tears of joy, sometimes of sadness or forgiveness. Praying is a way of giving yourself, your soul over to a higher power and sometimes that can be overwhelming.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this post. I guess it's kind of like my life, I never know where it's going either, I just hang on and hope for smooth sailing. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't.  But I'll never give up, that would be too easy.

Honestly, did you think I could be totally serious?

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

It's almost 2:30 a.m. so why am I still awake?

I could understand still being awake if this was Friday or Saturday, hell I'd more than likely being headed to the Waffle House but tonight?!  My mind doesn't want to shut down so maybe if I ramble a bit I will eventually nod off.

Ten years and two months ago was when I finally got my official diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. People ask me how that felt, was I scared?  No, I was relieved... I finally had an answer to why I was freezing in place, falling down, passing out and going numb. It took 4 Neurologists before one would actually say "You have M.S." something I knew in my heart even as I saw the first one.  I was tested for everything they could test for and then some. For me the diagnosis was a blessing... I could finally get around to doing something to get the problem under control.  I've learned what causes me to have exacerbations and I do everything I can to avoid and prevent them. It seems to be working along with my meds that I take.

Just five months after that diagnosis during an MRI on my spine to check for MS lesions the tech stopped the scan, went and called in a doctor and they proceeded to put me in yet another machine.  Usually they won't tell you what they see, you have to wait for the report to go to your doctor and the doctor calls you. Instead they told me that they saw something in my neck and needed to check it out.  It was a mass on my Thyroid. I went almost immediately for a biopsy which came back cancerous. Again there was no sense of panic, just a calm acceptance of let's get something done about this so I can go back to living.  A week later I had surgery, they took the entire thyroid and two para-thyroids. Supposedly I have two left but they don't work.  I did radiation treatments twice. The kind where you swallow a pill and then have to be in total isolation for days. I was in a hospital room where I could have no visitors... they could come to the door but not come in. Not even the nurses were allowed in the room.. they set my food on a table just inside the door and everything went into hazmat bags when I finished.  I did wake up one morning to find my bed surrounded by a doctor reading my chart to a group of interns. I just opened my eyes, looked around and said " Did I die or did you not read the DO NOT ENTER patient is RADIOACTIVE sign on the door?" I've never seen a room clear that fast...lmao..  After two rounds of that and about a half dozen or more less radioactive but still radioactive scans I was finally cleared.  Other than the fact that I have to take massive amounts of vitamins and minerals to keep my blood a pumping I'm doing good from that.

And of course my last round with the 12 pound 8 ounce tumor and the removal of most of my innards. I'm not going to rehash that at this point, you can go back about a year to read about that if you want to refresh or if you just got here.  I've got a pretty humongous scar from that, I just tell people I got it in a drunk monkey knife fight if they ask... not that many people ever see it :)

I had kind of a stressful week but the past couple of days have been better and hopefully it will keep getting even better.  Stress is a trigger I try to avoid. God has kept me here for a reason, I think I know what it is... if I'm right it's an amazing gift if I'm wrong, it's an amazing lesson.  Either way I'm here for the ride.

Since here lately I've been posting pictures of my friends and things that mean something I guess I need to see what I can find tonight.

 Goodnight y'all see you next time!!!