Insecurities are a bitch

I'll be the first person to tell you I'm insecure. Not in all ways but it some ways, I always worry about what people are seeing when I walk across a room. Do they see me wobble and think I've had too much to drink, when in reality it's just a bad MS day. Believe me when I drink too much, you'll know.

I worry that the people I care about don't love me as much as I love them but I'm too insecure to ask.

But I mainly wonder over other peoples insecurities. I see people who should be enjoying a marriage to someone they've obsessed over for years and they slowly tear the relationship apart because they worry about the things you shouldn't worry about. If you love someone who has a passion for something, be it art, politics, music, either except that it will always be a part of their life or move on with yours. Don't drag someone down into your pit of despair because of the fear in your heart.

I would rather watch someone I love do the things they love even if it means less time with them than watch them change into a bitter person because I wouldn't give them the freedom to be who they really are.

Oh and by the way do these jeans make me look fat?

Dear Rude Dude in the Food Lion parking lot

Dear Asshole,

Yes I noticed the dirty look you gave me when I pulled into the handicapped spot and pulled out my placard and hung it on my rearview mirror.

I also heard you muttering about how some people thought they could get away with anything.

I know you heard me when I asked you if you had a problem, because you said "Yeah, my problem is lazy ass people like you who take spaces that the handicapped people need"

Which is why I replied " I'm really happy that you think I look good enough to not need that space but let me give you a little medical history. I have Multiple Sclerosis, chronic pain syndrome and complications from having thyroid cancer. All of those combined on some days mean that I'm lucky to be able to walk from one end of my home to the other, let alone across a parking lot to get groceries. And since I've had the stomach flu for a week I'm feeling even worse than usual. I don't always use the handicap spot, but when I need to use it I do. Which is why my neurologist signed the order for one.

You need to remember that not all handicaps are visible and I'm sorry that your doctor doesn't thing stupidity is a reason to give you a handicap placard. And have a nice day!"

Rude dude decided maybe he didn't need groceries after all and the little old lady sitting at the bus stop stood up and clapped for me as I went in the door.

Dream Come True

For as long as I can remember I have had two types of dreams. One is the kind where everything in it is so outrageous that you know you are in a dream. The other is where things are so normal that you think you are awake until you actually do wake up.

For me the real ones tend to bleed over into real life. If I dream about someone that I actually know, even if I haven't seen that person in years, they usually pop up in real life shortly thereafter. Sometimes it odd things, like Friday night I dreamed that I ran into my two oldest Grandchildren in the mall. Saturday, their other grandmother calls me to tell me that the kids will be modeling for Belk's at a nearby mall and they wanted me to come see them. Sure it could be coincidence but after 30 plus years of things like this happening you just go with it.

Just a few months ago I dreamed about a friend of my daughter, the next day she fell in the river, hit her head and had to be air-lifted to Spartanburg. She's fine but I knew something was going to happen to her. Several years ago I dreamed my neighbors house caught on fire, 2 days later the people across the street lost their home in a fire!

I think the one that sticks with me the most was a dream I had when I was a child, it was the late 70's. We lived in California at the time and one night I dreamed I was in a house I'd never seen an I was vacuuming the living room. There was ugly brown and orange shag carpet and a fireplace with a wide brick ledge around the bottom. Standing on the ledge was a girl I didn't know, she was talking to me while I vacuumed. A few years later we moved to North Carolina and into a house with that ugly brown/orange shag carpet and a fireplace in the living room. Not long after that my new best friend came in while I was vacuuming and jumped up on the ledge and went to chattering. It was exactly like my dream.

I'm still waiting for a lottery winning dream.

Mother of the Bride

Egads! My daughter is getting married May 31st. While I am ecstatic that after 3 kids she is FINALLY getting hitched I am dreading finding a dress to wear.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I just don't wear dresses. If fact my daughter can't remember me wearing any dr3ess other than my wedding dress, that was 11 years ago.

So how is a dress challenged woman supposed to pick out the perfect mother-of-the bride dress? If you are me, you post a plea for help on several internet message boards. Then you sit back and wait for the dress to come to you.

Somehow I don't think this is going to turn out well.

Real life vs. on-line life

It amazes me more every day how much I depend on my on-line friends to be there when I need someone to bitch and moan too. When I started getting sick and having so many health issues, it seemed like my real life friends just slowly disappeared. I'll never understand that, it's not like I did anything to them or that anything I had was contagious. I mean DUDE, you can't catch cancer or MS like it's the flu!

I could understand it if I was more of a complainer, but I'm one of those "keep it inside until you explode" kind of girls. Ask me how I am and I'll tell you I'm good, even if my pain level is a 20 on a scale of 1 to 10 or I can't feel my feet. I guess some people just can't handle being friends or a support system for someone who lives with a chronic disease.

So I've made friends with people from all over the world and I know all it takes is a post on a message board or a Facebook update and someone will be there to talk me down or pat me on the head when I need a little encouragement.

So thank you Al gore for inventing the Internet! Without it I would be one lonely girl.

Insomnia can bite my ass

For realz!

I've had trouble sleeping for as long as I can remember. Not that I can remember much thanks to not sleeping enough or even sleeping well when I do finally get that visit from the sandman.

I've decided that a good nights sleep is like a unicorn, a beautiful but imaginary thing that one hopes to one day see. It wouldn't be so bad if I could be productive while I'm awake but because of a lack of sleep my mind tends not to want to stay on topic or even remember the topic a lot of the time.

Like right now, even though I wanted to talk about not sleeping, instead I'm going to talk about how since the Thyroid Cancer my body no longer regulates it calcium, Vit. D. potassium and other levels. And anything and everything throws it out of whack. I've had a cold and took some over the counter stuff so that I could actually breathe. That in turned caused my calcium level to drop and caused my arms, legs and face to go numb. it also makes my eyes twitch, which Drives me crazy!!

So I can either breathe or twitch, the choice is mine! Right now, I'm going to try and get some sleep...hahahahahahahahaha

Replacements

My cat Nosey decided about a month and a half ago that 15 years was enough. I had decided to go cat-less for a while, but the quiet in the house was just too much.

So last weekend my mom and I went to visit my aunt and I came home with not one, but two new fur babies. One male, one female, both wild as bucks!



Meet Bubba and Daisy, the newest members of the Voo family. They are approximately 3 months, give or take a week or two. The house is no longer quiet and my stress levels have lowered, both good things.

I'll never have to pee alone again!

Books a Billion

In case I haven't mentioned it, I'm a reader. I can read a book or more a day, depending on my mood and the book. I prefer to read fiction though I do delve into some non-fiction ever so often. I'm also partial to supernatural and fantasy books right now.

I almost always have several books going at once and it's becoming a pain to decide what to read next. at this moment I'm reading "The Unnatural Inquirer" by Simon R. Green, I love his books! I'm also readind "Charmed & Deadly" by Candace Havens and "Deathstalkers Honor" also by Simon R. Green. There is another one, but it's in my purse and I'm too lazy to get up and see what it is.

If you haven't ever read any of Janet Evanovich's Plum series then I highly recommend them. They are very entertaining and always make me laugh out loud.

I need to apologize

To my one follower and to myself. I truly want to put my thoughts down for posterity, after all think of all the world would miss if I didn't. *sarcasm goes here*

Tonight I'm going to admit several things. First , I'm a liar, a big fat liar. Well, not all the time, just when someone asks me how I'm doing. I always just smile and say "I guess I'm okay, I'm still alive.", but it's a big fat humongous LIE. I learned a long time ago to hide how I'm really feeling when it comes to my health. I don't want to bother people or have my family worry about me so I just smile and keep going even if I feel like lying down and dying. The only person I can't fool is my Mam-maw, she always knows and she always calls me on it, bless her heart.

MS is a painful disease, at least it is for me. And I don't like taking pain meds so I mainly grin and bear it, except when I break down and cry. Tonight is a not a good night. But enough about that for now.

My next admission is I love Craig Ferguson. No matter how bad I feel I can watch his show and it makes me smile, it is also the only show guaranteed to make me laugh out loud. I can't wait to get my hands on his new book, "American on Purpose".

Enough rambling for the night.

Books, books and more books

So It' almost 3 a.m. and I'm still awake. What's on my mind at this time of night you may ask?

The huge bunch of books I have stored throughout my house. I have shelves, I have piles, I have boxes and hidey holes. All full of books, both read and unread. I fear that someday they will find my poor dessicated body covered by a collapsed pile of books, bookmark clenched between my teeth.

I must state for the record that I am not a book hoarder, I do try to find them all new homes as soon as I finish reading them. I have been a member of PaperbackSwap.com for many years and send out several almost every week. And yet there are book on my shelf that have just sat there for years with no one wanting them. So I have added BookMooch to my addiction. And now I have already been able to find homes for several of those books no one seemed to want.

So slowly the piles will diminish, at least until the batch I ordered shows up.